Current mood:	accomplished
Current music:	Wordplay - Jason Mraz
Entry tags:	mal/simon

Title: Jealousy
Author: Rory divided_poet
Summary: Jealousy is an interesting thing...
Rating: PG-13
Character(s): Simon Tam/Mal Reynolds
Prompt: #011. Jealousy
Word Count: 2,157
Warnings/Spoilers: This story is Slash. And it can be set anytime in the 'Verse.
A/N: Yay and big thanks to my wonderful beta itinerant_vae for putting up with my period vs. comma problem, among other things. *g*


Simon was standing in the infirmary putting things in order for the third time in the last half hour when Kaylee came in.

"Whatcha up to?" she asked, leaning against the doorway.

Simon sighed. "River had an episode this morning. I'm just trying to clean everything up."

Kaylee glanced around the infirmary. "Looks plenty clean t' me. Stuff in here ain't broke or nothin'."

Simon nodded. "To tell you the truth, I'm just trying to keep myself occupied until the Captain gets back from the job."

Kaylee gave a smile that looked more than a little forced. "Ain't nothin' sit right when Cap'n's in danger, huh?" Kaylee walked out of the infirmary and sat down on the couch. Simon followed and sat down next to her. "That's sweet," she said, the usual happiness dropping from her voice leaving it to sound more thoughtful than anything else.

"Kaylee..." Simon started, suddenly feeling like he'd put his foot in it again.

Kaylee held up a hand to stop him. "No, Simon. It's sweet. There ain't always a lot o' love 'round for th' Cap'n, an' you make him happy. It's nice to see that." Kaylee gave another smile that seemed to fit more comfortably with what was usually on her face. Simon picked up Kaylee’s hand with both of his and held it, trying to convey how much that meant to him.

Simon opened his mouth to try and put the feeling into words when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned his head to see Mal standing in the doorway.

"How'd th' job go?" Kaylee asked. "You ain't seem t' got no holes in you."

Mal looked down at their joined hands for a moment before answering. "Job went fine," he said. "Smooth as all else." Mal glanced at Simon and then looked back to Kaylee. "Need ya to get Serenity ready for full burn. Lìkè." With that Mal was gone.

Kaylee let out a little laugh. "I ain't thinkin' the job went smooth." She then stood up and went to do as the Captain asked.

After a few seconds Simon stood also and went to find Mal.

*****

Simon found Mal in the galley a couple minutes later. He was sitting at the table having a cup of coffee.

Simon sat down next to Mal. "So, how'd the job really go?" he asked.

Mal stood from the table and walked over to the sink to wash out his cup. "Job went fine like I said." Mal turned away from the sink to face Simon, a hard look in his eyes. "Got things need doin', why don't you go spend some more time with little Kaylee," he said. Then he left without another word.

Simon sat at the table looking very confused until River walked in.

"A green captain does not make for a good captain," she said, from her place near the door.

Simon looked up. "What do you mean, mèimei?" he asked.

"This does not reflect well." River tilted her head to the side, looking at Simon thoughtfully. "I do believe it will take him. Green is hard to wash away. And it causes hurt easily.”

Simon shook his head. "River, everything’s fine. No one is hurt. The Captain’s fine," Simon said, trying to humor her.

"Not on the inside. Inside's all mushy, can't be fixed with everyday tools. Needs a specialist. Someone to fix the hurt, to stop the spread of color," she said before turning and leaving the galley.

Simon shook his head and stood to go do what Mal suggested. Spend some time with Kaylee. He could talk to Mal again later. Maybe Mal would be ready to talk by then.

****
“Thought you was goin’ to talk to the Cap’n?” Kaylee said, when Simon walked into the engine room.

Simon shook his head. “The Captain doesn’t want to speak with me,” he said. “He’s actually seemed angry with me since he came back from the job.”

Kaylee just looked at Simon for a second before letting out a laugh. “Simon, Cap’in ain’t mad at ya,” she said, folding her arms over her chest. “Jealous is all.”

Simon furrowed his eyebrows. “Why would he be jealous?”

Kaylee rolled her eyes. “I seen it clear as day when he walked in an’ you was holdin’ my hand,” she said. “Cap’in’s real good at seein’ things all wrong like.”

Simon’s eyes widened just a bit. “Mal? Jealous of you and me? Why would he be? He knows I don’t….” Simon stopped himself. “He knows I feel strongly about him, or he should,” he amended.

Kaylee shrugged. “Don’t know, but ya best be talkin’ t’ him ‘bout it,” she said. “I ain’t gonna be able to help ya with this.”

Simon nodded and stood there for a moment in thought.

“Simon, go talk to Mal,” Kaylee said after a minute or two. Simon nodded again and left the engine room.

Kaylee sighed to herself and went back to work. “Amazin’ that someone so smart can be such a bèndàn.”

****

Simon climbed down the ladder into Mal’s room. It was the only place left that the Captain could be.

“What are ya doin’ here, Doc?” Mal asked.

Simon looked around the ladder to see Mal sitting on his bed. “I came to talk to you.”

“That’s good, bein’ as you’re in my bunk,” Mal said stiffly.

Simon sighed. “Mal, are you jealous of Kaylee and me?”

“Now why would I be jealous o’ you an’ little Kaylee?” Mal asked, the question rhetorical.

Simon moved over to the bed and sat down next to Mal, doing his best to ignore how Mal’s body went rigid immediately. “Do you know what Kaylee said to me today?” he asked.

Mal shook his head. “Sister’s th’ reader, remember?”

“She said that she didn’t see you happy very often,” Simon said. “She told me that I made you happy.” Simon saw Mal glance at him out of the corner of his eye. “That really meant a lot to me because I want to make you happy, Mal.”

Mal turned his whole body to look at Simon. “What was that earlier?”

Simon gave a sad smile. “When I first came on the ship Kaylee was the person that was nicest to me,” he stated. “She wanted something from me I couldn’t give her and without meaning to I lead her on.”

“Ya seemed t’ realize it jus’ fine,” Mal said.

“Mal, over the year I’ve been on this ship I’ve come to love Kaylee,” Simon said. He could see Mal set his jaw. Simon brought his hand up and put it on Mal’s cheek. “But I’m in love with you.”

Mal moved away from Simon’s touch. “Here’s th’ thing, Doc. Saw you an’ Kaylee in the engine room after Miranda.”

Simon’s jaw dropped a bit.

“An’ I’m thinkin’ it was somethin’ you could give her. Jus’ not somethin’ ya wanted to anymore.” Mal stood up and went to stand across the room with his arms folded.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Simon asked.

“Figured it was a piece o’ comfort. Somethin’ to say you were both walkin’ an’ breathin’. Then, when Kaylee stopped askin’ about you an’ talkin’ about you I figured that’s what it was,” Mal said. “But I’m always wonderin’ why ya never told me.”

Simon sighed. “I honestly don’t know what to say, Mal,” he said quietly. “Other than, I’m sorry I never told you.” He moved off the bed. “It’s just, Mal, you care about Kaylee. You care about Kaylee as much as I care about River. But when I told Kaylee it wasn’t going to work I hurt her.” Simon ran a hand over his face. “And I know she would never tell me I did, but for the longest time she wouldn’t even smile in my direction.”

“Girl’s got a right not to talk to ya after ya been leadin’ her on an’ such,” Mal said. “But, I ain’t really askin’ about Kaylee. I’m askin’ why you didn’t tell me.” Simon opened his mouth to speak but Mal cut him off. “An’ don’t be givin’ me that gǒushí about not wantin’ me to know ya hurt her. Already knew that.”

Simon sat back down on the bed. He then picked a space in the wall and stared at it as he spoke. “I slept with Kaylee after Miranda because I needed to know I was still alive,” Simon said. “I don’t know if that was one of the reasons Kaylee did it, but you were right about me. And I felt like gǒushí afterwards.” Simon glanced at Mal’s face but it wasn’t portraying any emotions. He went back to looking at his spot on the wall. “I knew I didn’t feel the same thing for Kaylee. I knew I used her. And that still doesn’t sit right with me at all.” Simon looked back at Mal’s face to gauge his reaction.

Mal looked away, his expression still unreadable. “Damn right ya used her. But if Kaylee’s talkin’ and smilin’ at ya again, then she’s made peace with that,” he said. “What ya still ain’t tellin’ me is, why didn’t ya tell me ya slept with her?”

Simon took a deep breath. “I just told you, Mal.”

Mal shook his head. “No, ya told me why ya felt bad about it. Didn’t answer my question, though,” he said.

Simon stood and headed for the ladder. “I don’t want to talk to you when you’re this determined to be difficult,” he said.

Simon started to climb the ladder but before he could get up very high, Mal grabbed his arms, pulled him down, and pressed him to the wall behind the ladder. “Answer me, Simon! Don’t use your fancy schoolin’ to jump around the question. Give me an honest to God answer why you didn’t tell me after we started sleeping together.” Mal sounded very angry and very loud.

Simon tried to sink back into the wall as much as possible. Mal shook him a little. “Open your mouth an’ give me a straight answer. Stop tryin’ to get away from the question,” he said, shaking Simon a little more.

Suddenly Simon’s arms came up and he used all the strength he had to shove Mal back. “I was scared!” Simon yelled. “I used this girl. This sweet girl that did nothing to me but be nice since I stepped on the ship,” he said. “What does that say about what kind of person I am? What does that say about me? We hadn’t been together that long and I was so scared you’d realize what a worthless, selfish, tāmāde hùndàn I was….am.”


While Simon was speaking, he back further into the room. As he finished he tripped over a chair. Mal was there in a second, grabbing Simon around the waist to keep him from falling. Mal pulled Simon’s body against his own. After a few moments Simon started to try and get away. Mal had to use all his strength to keep the younger man against him. Never realized how strong the Doc is Mal thought to himself as Simon kept fighting.

Simon tried to shove Mal by the shoulders. “Let me go, Mal. Please,” he said with a pleading tone in his voice that almost broke Mal’s heart.

“Don’t think you’re a tāmāde hùndàn. Know you’re not worthless an’ selfish. Done my fair share o’ stuff I don’t feel good about. But ya can’t always be beatin’ yourself up over it,” Mal said as Simon started to calm down. “Not nobody good can pull themselves up from somethin’ like that. That’s what kinda person ya are, Simon. Feelin’ the way ya do, you’re a good person.”

At that last statement Simon relaxed into Mal more. Mal felt a surge of anger go through him. He knew behind all of Simon’s propriety and intelligence he thought of himself as worthless. Simon was a strong person, he had to be. To be so young and deal with all the things he dealt with, he had to be strong. So when Simon’s body started to shake, all Mal could think to do was hold him tighter. Simon’s arms wrapped around Mal’s waist, holding him like he was the only thing keeping Simon afloat.
After standing there for a while, Mal got them both moved onto the bed. Simon had stopped shaking but Mal still did his best to help him calm down while they lay together on Mal’s bed.

Long after Simon’s breathing had slowed and all the tension had drained from his body Mal still lay awake looking at him. “Jealousy is an interestin’ thing,” Mal said to Simon’s still form. “I was jealous, Simon. But I do love ya. Want ya to know that.”

“I know, Mal. I love you, too,” Simon whispered sleepily