///I just poured my heart out.../// - Day
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Saturday, January 3, 2009
3:37PM
Okay, so the boy...I've been talking to him almost every night since school went on break. He'd been doing the house hoping thing, but he came home for the week around Christmas we decided we were gonna hang out before he left again. So, we decided when and where. Then, one night we were talking and he was like, "I wanna go see Slumdog Million." I actually hadn't heard of it, so I went and watched the trailer on youtube. It looked amazing, I told him this, and we decided we were gonna go see this when we 'hung out' on Friday (the 26th of Dec.). Okay, so cool. So, we're talking Thursday night and he says, "Hey, do you mind if I bring a friend or two?" Well yes, sir, I do mind. I wanted to spend time with you, you jackass. *sigh* "Yeah, sure." "Cool." So, I'm a little pissed for the next couple hours. I'd been watching James Bond because of him, and suddenly I was like, "Fuck this, I don't feel like watching it," even though I liked it, I just wasn't in the mood anymore.
The next day we're supposed to meet at 5 and hang out, then the movie is gonna start at 7:10. So, I still get all awesomely cute, and go with a friend to go discount ornament shopping just before I'm supposed to leave, cause I'm incredibly sick to my stomach with nerves for some fucking reason. *sigh again* We're walking out of the store, and I have ten minutes to get back home, get my car, and leave, when my phone rings. It's Blake (the boy, btw) and he asks what I'm up to. *deep breathe* He then tells me a friend of his that's in the air force called and wants to see him, and this is a really good friend that he doesn't get to see very often. And, he's wondering if we can instead meet at the theater at 6:50. Okay, I actually totally understand this and am fine with it (even though I am a little sad), and I tell him that's totally fine and I'll see him at 6:50.
My friend convinces me that telling my mom that it has been pushed back is a bad idea. Which...is very true, cause my mom kind of hates this kid right now for the shit he's been putting me through. So, I go home, get the car, and head to the area I will be meeting Blake at in 2 hours to hang out with my friend instead. We shop a little (hellish), we grab food, and we head over to the theater at around 6:45. My friend Anne (the friend I've been with, and my best) wants to see-kinda-meet this guy. So she sits with me and we wait for him to show. He's, like, ten minutes late, but I'm just like, whatever. Anne leaves, we head into the theater, buy our tickets separately, and head into the movie. We sit, small talk a bit, normal talk a little-tiny bit, and the movie starts. It's really good, which is plus-like. It ends, we head out. As we're walking I asked him if he liked it, he's was all chill with his, "Yeah." Then we're heading toward the parking garage, we get to it and he's like, "Where are you parked?" I tell him I'm on the floor we're on (the third) and he says he's gotta go down. Maybe I give him a weird look, I can't remember, and he comes over and gives me a hug goodbye (which is new in different, cause two times that we've said goodbye to each other have been after awesome date-like-kissing-involved-fun-time things, and we kiss goodbye (the second time soooo much cuter and better than the first cause he fucking picked me up while we were kissing and hugged me and laughed some, and it was awesome and sweet and...GAH!) and every other time has been like, "I'm gonna go,"...then does. So, hug-new and different and would be nice except...
Let me sum this up a little before I go on: He drives the hour to see me, shows up, watches a movie, and LEAVES! Anyway, on with the program.
I'm like, "So, you're gonna head home?" "Yeah, I'm gonna head home." "See ya." I head to my car, almost get hit by someone, get in my car, and I'm kind of numb. I sit there for a second, feel some upset start to build, start the car, and head up onto the fairly-empty roof of the car park. I pull to the edge, put the car in park, and start crying a bit, not to bad...just kinda confused crying, right? Then, I decide I'm gonna call him and ask him something that'd I'd kind of planed to ask him. So, I call, and he answers and I'm like, "Do you have to go home?" "Yeah, I'm sorry, I just told some friends I'd hang out with them after. Sorry." "No, it's cool, I was just gonna ask if you'd ever been to East Shore?" (this fucking pretty little man-made like we have a bit down the road, I figured he wasn't from my area so he might not have been there) He's like, "The park?" "No, not the park." "Okay, it's not a park." "It's this lake with a dragon in it." "Yeah, I've been there, sorry. I just, I promised my friends I'd see them after. Sorry." "No, no, it's fine, I was just wondering. Bye." Cause, what am I gonna say, 'Thanks you jackass, good to know I'm so important'? I'm not ready for that, I like him too much to chance him saying, 'Sorry, I'm just not that into you,' or some shit like that.
So, I put my phone down, turn my music back up, and put on 'Picture of Success' by Rilo Kiley. I'm fine for, like, a second, and then the lyrics in the song go, "I'm a modern girl, but I fold in half so easily..." and I start crying. This face crumbling-can't breathe-chest ripping-painful fucking feeling is swallowing me. I can't-I just wanna stop. I don't wanna feel like this. I wanna claw out of my skin, that's the closest description I can give for that feeling, I just want to claw out of my fucking skin and make it stop.
This goes on for about 5 minutes, kinda feels like forever, before I look at my phone and decide to respond to a text my friend had sent during the movie. She'd asked if I wanted to come spend the night at her house after my date. So, I text her and ask if I can come over. She says yes, and I tell her I'll be there in half an hour.
I get to her house, it's like ten. I've taken off my cute boots, my make-ups gone, but it doesn't really look like I've been crying, so I go and knock on her door. She lets me in and we sit in the living room and I tell her about all the nothing that happened
I stay at her house, and the next day her car gets stolen and I get in this horrendous fight with my mother. Fun times. *sigh*
Current music: She's My Winona - Fall Out Boy
4:34PM
Okay, so my friend Elle has decided she no longer approves of Blake at all. He's put me through too much shit and she thinks I need to stop liking him. Which is really fucking funny, and I've tried. I don't do this, this can't-stop-thinking-about-him bullshit...not until this asshole. So, I would stop if I could get myself to. But, she also think I just need a good fuck, that this is the solution to all of life's problems. And, I'm okay with this. So, while the two of us were more than edging on trashed last night she texted her friend David and was like, "My friend Courtney needs to fuck someone." Something to that effect. This boy hasn't talked to her in like, weeks, but he responds, "Me too, it's been like a month. Tell her I say, 'Hey'" She proceeds to send him my number and tell him to text me. He does about twenty minutes later and asks if this is Courtney. I say yes and he says he got my number from Danielle (her full name, she hates it). I'm like, "Lol, yeah, she told me she did something." He proceeds to say, "She basically sent me a text saying I should get a hold of you, so a decided to come up out of the blue and say whats up lol." Elle and I laughed about this for a little while, however, it takes any pressure off of me, cause...I mean, I had no clue that my friend decided to make it her mission to get me laid. *shrug*
So, David and I are gonna meet for coffee tomorrow. And, it's funny cause he's like, "So, what do you do?" And, asking me questions you ask a chick if you're gonna go out with them, not just fuck...and it's kind of hilarious. But, whatever, it's someone else to think about, which is awesome. I hope this, new-fucks-fix-everything thing works, it's been a while since I've tried it and I wasn't quite so into anyone when I slept with the last guy I slept with. *shrug*
Let me say, I miss sex. lol
Current music: Spit the Dark - Empires
Tracy Berkowitz: "One day you fall for this boy. And, he touches you with his fingers, and he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And, it's hurts when you look at him. And, it hurts when you don't. And, it feels like someone cut you open with a jagged piece of glass."
Current music: Lover I Don't Have to Love - Bright Eyes
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