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///I just poured my heart out.../// - Day

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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

12:12AM

So I met the kid for coffee. Incredibly nice, we talked for 5 fucking hours. He bought me dinner and texted me ten minutes after we split for the night saying, "I've gotta be honest, you're cool as all hell and cute as all hell." And, I'll try right. Cause this guy = nice, really nice. I figure I need some nice and a little simple at least for a bit, if the hard starts right back up when I go back to school. David (a.k.a nice guy) said nice things, the perfect things, and when I told him this he said, "Well I like you, so it's easy to say the right things." And when I told him I wasn't so good with expression myself, but I liked that he liked me (which was a real bitch thing to say, but it was honest) he didn't get mad. He just tried to make it clear that he wasn't actually one of those guys that got really attached right off the bat, and he hoped I didn't think that. And we kept texting, and he asked, "Your eyes are a honey golden-brown color, huh?" Which kind of describes them perfectly. And he wants to hang out tomorrow, and maybe a few more times before I leave. And he liked me, and he's clear about it (in that way that you're nervous but you'll keep saying little things because you DO want them to know how you feel). And he's NICE all the time, not just some. And he doesn't confuse me.

And I'm not that into him.

'Cause I still have this problem where I can't stop thinking about Blake (a.k.a. Jerk boy/The boy). And sometimes when I really think about him, my chest tightens. And always when just a fleeting thought of him goes through me head, my chest tightens. And I wanna cry more than I've wanted to in years when sitting alone in my room. And I never know where he stands. And sometimes he's a jerk (but not in that kicks kittens way, it's more subtle than that). And he confuses me all the time.

And I really like him.

And I just wanna stop. I wanna flip it off like a switch. Or, I wanna fuck him. I feel that if I fuck him, at least if the feeling's not better I still got something out of it.

I've been deemed the love 'em and leave 'em type. So, me and Elle are wondering: Am I obsessed cause I haven't loved him yet?

We both think me sleeping with him will do one of two things: Fix everything in my head - reset me so to speak so I'm not quite so attached or attached at all (as is usually the case with me and sex), or completely fuck me over - make these feelings a million times worse if he continues doing the lovely things he's been doing.

If anyone's reading this, anyone have an opinion?

Current music: Under the Bright Lights - Empires
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11:37PM

I was talking to Elle. The conversation went as follows (sorry for the aim thing, I'm too tired to paraphrase): ( The AIM conversation )

The way she responded to my last question is what got me:

"He struck a chord in you, somewhere, somewhere you haven't been touched yet or in so long. The problem is that sometimes people don't know they're supposed to be our saviors."

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