///I just poured my heart out.../// - Day
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Friday, January 23, 2009
8:52AM
I'm not a stupid girl. He makes me stupid, and I don't know what to do. We had plans to hang out last night. He called me about an hour and a half before hand and asked if I wanted to hang out right then. I said yes of course. In his room there was a small pillow fight, comforter tugging, tickling, and fucking. The fucking was the last part of that. There was making out, and grinding, and boob action, and me saying, "Okay. Clothes. Off." Afterwards he got up, threw the condom away, got dressed (at that point I got dressed to), and sat down next to me (pressed against me for some reason) while he made other plans. He was on the phone asking a friend when they were playing this coffee shop about a ten minute walk from where we were (his dorm room, btw). When he got off the phone he said he was going to watch his friends band play at the Hydrant (the coffee shop) and I could come if I'd like.
I should have gotten up; I should have said fuck you, I gonna go, I have other plans, no it's cool but thanks for the sex, ANYTHING other than staying to see what the fuck was going on. No, instead I tell him that I have this problem where I still like him. He says, oh. I ask him if he likes me. He says sometimes he does. He says he's unstable. He says sometimes he doesn't want me to look at him 'cause he doesn't want me looking at such an unstable person. He says that he guesses when asked if he likes me he should say no 'cause he can't keep his mind straight about anything. He says that he's like this with everything and he's sorry his messing with my emotions in all this. This would all be kind of chivalrous, had he not just fucked me.
Again, I still like this kid ('cause I'm nice and fucked up like that, he tells me he doesn't and I still wanna save it). I confess some other stuff, I know I tell him about my whole hook-up-then-forget norm and that I still keep thinking about him, and that this is strange and not me-like. I ask him if he likes being around me from time to time. He says yes with that tone that says, 'yes, of course.' I tell him I like being around him from time to time too, "Just...so you know." He says he's going to his friends thing. He tells me again, in some form or fashion, that I can come if I want. I quickly weigh going back to my empty room vs. walking the 4 or 5 blocks to the coffee shop with him and decide that alone would not be good even when faced with massive amounts of awkward.
So we walk, we talk some (that part is completely normal), and comment on houses in Denton a bit. I'm giving off massive don't-touch-me-unless-you-mean-it vibes, so there is no bumping of shoulders or any such thing. We get there, talk to his friends some. They include me in the little circle they form, which is oddly comforting. Then they head up to get ready, and we go inside. He gets something from the coffee bar, and gets me a tea (he asked what I wanted, I said tea *shrug* The least he can do I figure). We head upstairs to where the band will be playing. He see too friends, we pull up chairs to their table. Sit, not talk, one of his friends asks if I live in the dorms and makes some small talk with me (again, oddly comforting). I text my friend Helen and tell her I'm stuck in the awkward of all awkwards and that I most likely need a rescue. She comes, looking all nervous and kind of frantic. She sits, I stand and talked to her a bit, he can't hear us. Then we decide to leave. I go over to him, tell him I have to go, give him a hug (cause I felt the need for a small bit of physical closure for some reason), and we leave.
Helen and I walk around the square, I tell her what happened (softening the sharp edges of course, cause I still fucking like him and for some reason don't want her to hate him as much as a friend should when hearing this lovely story). So, we're going around a corner on campus as who should we see turning a corner in front of us? Blake. He sees us and waves a bit and then keeps walking. I call to him, ask him if his friends are already done playing. He said, no, that he came back to the dorms to see if some friends wanted to hang out. So, he left the coffee shop about ten minutes after I did (which is odd, I guess). Then we walked to the door, went in, Helen and I went in our direction, he his. I threw a say you later at him, he kind of grunted in response, and Helen and I went up to my room.
When telling my roommate this story, I got much sadder much more upset and Helen got much more pissed off at the guy, as did my roommate. There was chocolate, and a bored game, and Dane Cook, and I still feel like shit.
I won't let him ruin my life. I'm gonna go to class, and I'm gonna have an audition tomorrow, and I'm gonna try, but I'm fairly certain this is what moving through quicksand feels like.
Current music: Counting Crows - Round Here (Live)
10:21PM
Suddenly a good portion of the people I know are pissing me off. So, Blake did his shit, which was bad, let me tell you. My roommate and friend Helen have been around, helping me not think about it and things like that. There was shopping therapy and me making fun of the noise that kid makes when he comes (which was really funny, even at the time, but I was caught up in the moment). And, I know I'm not annoying them. I'm not being overly mopey, every thing's fine and Helen and my roommate are getting along crazy well (which makes me happy, I like when my friends like my other friends). So, I have an audition tomorrow, and they makes me go practice (cause, very important). I practice for a little over an hour before I start getting tired and the practice starts getting tedious. I grab my stuff, go drop off my key, come back to my room, go to the bathroom, put some clothes away, clean off my bed, then I call Helen. She answers and I ask if they're still in our friend Katie's room. She says yeah, and I ask if I can come up. She says, "Well, the movie's almost over." And I'm like, "I didn't know you guys were watching a movie. I don't mind, I just don't wanna be alone." She's kinda distracted (although I know the movie is paused) and she says something to somebody and then says to me, "Okay, but you're gonna be coming in just to watch the last half hour of the movie." Honestly, I don't give a shit. I don't wanna be alone, I kind of figured she'd get that, you know, when I said it. So she sounds annoyed, and I'm gonna ignore it, and then I'm like fuck this I've dealt with enough awkward not-really-invited-but-didn't-wanna-be-alone in the last 48 hours to kill a horse. So I was like, "You know, nevermind. I'll see you guys later." In that overly I'm-fine-but-if-you-knew-me-you'd-know-I-was-really-pissed voice. She was like, "Okay, later." Okay, so in my head I was a little bitchy-annoyed myself.
So, my friend Hitch texts me. Hitch, who yesterday basically said that what Blake did was okay and that he'd done thing similar himself because he didn't want a relationship or wanted sex and wanted to keep open the possibility for more sex even though he had to know that that was not what I was up for hearing at that moment. So, that jack-ass-kid texts me and says, "Hey, have you looked for my piano key?" (Which, he'd left in my room on my floor last semester) I says, "No Honey, I haven't. I'll look for it tomorrow after my vocal abilities decide the fate of my life, k?" And he just says back, "Okay, thanks." So I text back, "Yeah, k, you're super welcome." Well, this he seems to get. So he says, "What are you upset about? Is it the Blake thing?"
That was like taking a bullet, I gotta be honest. I really didn't expect him to bring that up, or to use the guys name of all things. So, I tell him such and then just tell him I'm worried about the audition. He says, "Trust me, you'll do fine." Blah, stupid stupid.
Whatever.
I'm really fucking nervous, and I hope I don't bomb tomorrow. Fuck the boy, I want into this music school!
Current music: Augustana - Dust
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Current music: The tenor sax player next door to me
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