///I just poured my heart out.../// - Day
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Sunday, January 25, 2009
12:00PM
So, last night I felt like being a tiny bit self destructive. So, I went with some friends to go smoke. We got what we needed and decided to go to a park (with my prompting, I love smoking in parks). It's fairly easy, you just have to stop lighting up whenever a car comes by and if someone stops you go and start swinging on shit. So, we're smoking and every time a car comes by my friend Hitch freezes and gets the paranoid freaked out look on his face. And, okay, this kid has done so much shit you'd think he'd know how to act calm and cool...yeah, no. If anybody had actually come up to us he would have been a dead giveaway.
So, smoking, and a cop car comes by and slows down (we figure he's checking out the online car in this park parking lot, which is ours btw). We hear a door slam and we're all kind of frozen before we start walking around. I've got the pipe, and Hitch has the stuff. I start to walk out from behind all the play stuff. I mean, the cop knows we're there, so yeah lets stand awkwardly hidden by childrens' play equipment. *eye roll* So, as I'm walking around Hitch does this like hissed, "Hey you, get back over here." I'm annoyed but I do walk back over. As I walk around behind him, he takes the pot out of his pocket to give it to me. Well, I'm not thinking and I take it. Which was stupid, I should have said no and made the scared shit keep it. He had this panicked look on his face.
Who the fuck does that, give drugs to there friend so if they're caught they can take the fall? Anyway, so our friend Grant goes and starts swinging on the swings (which, I thought was a nice little touch). The cop has then moved his car and shines his big ol' yellow light on us. I go over and start swinging with Grant. Then the cop does the loud speaker thing and is like, "The park is closed. Please leave." Or something like that. So, we leave, and head over to a friend of Hitch's that is a major stoner.
We smoke there and after about an hour I'm completely fucked up. It's like, every thing's hitting my long term memory first so I'm forgetting things as they happen for a second and then picking them up and everything seems crazy surreal and all I wanna do is go back to my dorm lay down and sleep. So, after some discussion, we do leave, drive back to campus.
On the drive back I get this text from my roommate, "So you should be glad you're not playing apples to apples with us right now." I ask her why and she says, "Oh, we're in the red room [a little dorm tv room that's in our building]. The box says, donated with love from Blake Eakin to the front desk." And, God, I've never felt worse while high.
I mean, it had been a good day. We'd spent the whole days after my audition (which went nicely) playing board games, going to eat, laughing a lot. And, I'd just gone off with another group to get high. *shrug* It had been a good day pretty much, not even too much thought about him and what happened, just passing stuff. Suddenly, it's like my brain is broken and the weird long-term-memory first thing is happening, but on repeat. So, I know I've seen his name and it hurt, but it's like a keep seeing it in my mind for the first time and it keeps hurting anew every time. Over and over, I'm sitting there and I know this is stupid, I'd already seen the name and the moment had passed, but it's like my brain didn't know that and was replaying the memory over and over again and I was feeling it physically because of my high...like I was on a really jerky roller coaster.
I actually got back to my room, changed a bit, went out to the red room, talked, watched them play, and looked at the box (which my friend Katie showed to me) while this fun roller coaster was going on in my head and body. I said I was gonna go to sleep (cause trying to keep up with apples to apples was proving way to difficult) and headed back to the room. The weird roller coaster feeling went on until I finally fell asleep, which was horribly hard. I just...I felt horrible. And I wanted to cry, but I couldn't and it hurt...it hurt so much.
Never again, I'm never fucking doing this again. The self destructive behavior is fine, the sex is fine, but the having feelings for someone thing...fuck that shit.
Current music: Joe Purdy - Meteor City
100 Things You May Or May Not Know About Me...
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I sliced my arm open with a knife in my kitchen...for quite a few of my scars.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Band and Movie posters, also random shit I think is cool and feel like taping up there.
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
Not normally, but when I'm stressed all make some noise.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
A little bit of everything, but I tend to steer away from country.
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Around 11:30am
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Things to be fixed the way I want them to be.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Not cringing when I read a name.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
My music.
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'8"
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Depends on the situation, but not usually.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Sometimes if I'm alone in my room at night and imagining weird shit, but not usually outside in the dark for some reason.
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Really cry: My mother. Start to cry but couldn't really get the tears out: Blake.
13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Ending up crazy like my fathers side of the family, clinically insane and suicidal in my grandmother's case/Ending up with some semblance of bipolar disorder like my mother.
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Dark and Blue/Grey
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
I can't.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Neither.
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Pepperoni
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Katz's Hamburgers
19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
Red and Black
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
Not a live one.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
I can't think of it, I've gotten a few actually.
22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Define 'crush'?
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No.
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Urban Outfitters, anything there.
25. WHO IS YOUR FAV FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
Either Jon Walker or Frank Iero
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
Jewel.
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
Rhodesian Ridgeback
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
If I fell in love, I don't think I would care. You take the time you have, and deal with the rest when you have to.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
65
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Red heads
32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"One day you fall for this boy. And, he touches you with his fingers, and he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And, it hurts when you look at him. And, it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone cut you open with a jagged piece of glass." - Tracy Berkowitz "The Tracy Fragments"
33. FAVORITE PLACE?
In pieces
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
Yes
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Everything
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
A few.
37. FIRST JOB?
The Pure Massage and Nail Spa at the Woodlands Mall
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
A few
39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
I don't think about it
40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Watching 'Girl, Interrupted'
41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
No
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My hair.
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
No, I should have though.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
To not feel so lonely.
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
None, none, and none.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Not that I know of.
47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Ignorance
48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
That I got to do it in my pajamas and I was done before I hit 16.
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Herbal Essences Mandarin...something.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Sometimes
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Ham
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
I talk too much.
53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
Depends on the situation, not usually and not outwardly.
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I'm not sure, I often wonder why people hang around me. *shrug* Apparently I'm funny, cool, and nice.
55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
Yes, yes I do.
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Not as much as the rest of it does, but some, yes.
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Scream, sometimes I throw shit. I'm kind of violent.
59. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
To look back and be happy with where I am and where I'm going.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
I stuffed bunny that my dog ripped the ear off of.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
I'm not sure. I counted a long time ago, but it's changed since then.
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Fuck, no. I couldn't stand that purple creepy shit, even at 6.
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Why, no, no I do not. Why on earth would one use sarcasm when being direct works so much better? And, btw, the pope's an atheist.
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
Mac 'n Cheese
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Depends on the guy. I'm not too good at seeking out qualities in people.
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Courts and Rory
67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
Powers that have to do with ones mental abilities.
68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Veronica Mars
69. WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
Um, I don't tend to have those, strangely enough. But, I will go with the girl rule at times: Ignore the situation until it either goes away or explodes.
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Mint Chocolate Chip
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
Yes
72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
Laptop, so I have one where ever I put it.
73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
Food and homework.
74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
Manhattan
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
For my curiosities sake, yes, but I'm not gonna tag anyone to do it.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
The tenor sex next door.
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Some Strawberry Fanta...not good.
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Savannah
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX
Their entirety, than I start focusing on specific things.
80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Listen to and play music.
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
Hating takes too much energy, and it rarely proves worth it.
82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR
Winter
83. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
Yes, for the last 10 years or so.
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Red.
86. EYE COLOR?
Hazel, usually.
87. SHOE SIZE?
7 - 8 1/2, depends on the shoe.
88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Culvers
89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
Panera...if that counts as a restaurant
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
A lot of yes to this question
91. WATCH TV TODAY?
No, but I did watch a movie
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Halloween
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
Piano, some guitar, and my vocal chords.
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
Democrat
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
Depends on the person.
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
One night stands
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Food
98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE/HOUSEHUBBY?
No.
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Revolutions on Canvas
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
Um, no.
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