///I just poured my heart out.../// - Day

11:05PM

What do you do when you're in pain all the time and the people you want to care don't?

I was a fucking incredible kid, I was a fucking saint, but apparently I'll never change. Apparently I've just been way too horrible for way too long and I'll never change. I stay out getting her shit so she won't be nauseous and she won't let me go to Denny's the next night. When I tell her, when I say I want her to know that I didn't just stay out for nothing the night before, that it was for her, she flips the fuck out.

I get why she's mad, I get she's sick, I get that I'm probably a little shit, but they have been so fucked up for so long and I'm so tired and nothing feels any different. I don't know how to be the saintly daughter that does everything she asks, even though she's sick. I don't know how to do that, because she asks fucking crazy shit, because she expects one fucking thing of me and so regardless of anything else I do, that's the outcome she's going to assume she's gonna get.

She's sick, and I'm so fucking scared, and I feel so guilty for getting mad at her about anything, and I'm so bottled up, and she gets to scream and through temper tantrums and I'm stuck. I can't even fucking go to Denny's when I need a break.

And Jesus Christ, him. I am as fucked up as I am because of him. So, maybe he's not a junkie anymore, maybe he just has blood sugar problems now. Here's the thing though, you don't deal with your mom at 15 calling the cops on your dad cause he's trying to break into the house again because he's fucked up and she threw him out, and then 16 and then 17 and then 18, without coming out a little fucked up, without finishing with no respect for the man.

I'm a horrible kid now, I get that, my mom is sick and I'm not just doing everything she asks. But, God, even before this, they didn't get it. Look what the fuck they did to me. I fuck nice guys once and I get bored and I stop returning their calls, and the one guy that I've every really fallen for is horrifically fucked up and treated me like shit. I cut myself for years, and when my mom found out she made me feel like I was disgusting. I haven't cut myself in a while. Not because I don't think it would help, no, because I know if she sees she'll do what she did before.

That's the price of being their daughter, so I guess she's right, I guess I'm never gonna change.